As I approach my 70th birthday, I reflect on a question I have been asked countless times in my life:
“Where are you from?”
On the surface, it might seem like small talk. But for someone like me – a dark-skinned British woman who has lived in the UK for 64 of my 70 years – it carries an entirely different weight.
When I’m with my husband, who is white and Jewish, no one ever asks him this. He is assumed to belong. I, on the other hand, am always asked to explain myself. And when I say “Stretford, Bury, Manchester”, the response is often, “Yes, but where are you really from?”
That “really” is the sting. It suggests I cannot simply be from here. It denies my belonging.
This “others” me. And that is not curiosity, that is bias.
Why Do People Ask?
- Confirmation bias – People see my skin colour and assume I cannot be British, so they search for an “elsewhere” to confirm their preconceptions.
- A form of othering – The question separates me from those who are assumed to “naturally” belong.
- Ignorance disguised as interest – What feels like innocent curiosity is, in fact, an unequal standard applied to some and not others.
The real issue is who is asked and who is not. If it were just about curiosity, my husband would be asked the same. But he isn’t.
A Poem: Where I’m From
I am from red brick streets,
rain-soaked skies and Northern grit,
from Manchester markets and the smell of bread,
from laughter that fills terraced houses.
I am from classrooms and corridors,
from work done twice as hard for half the credit,
from Sunday roasts and neighbours who nod hello,
from a life lived fully, right here.
Yet still you ask me,
again and again,
“Where are you from?”
And when I answer,
you tilt your head,
waiting for another truth.
But there is no other truth.
I am not a question mark,
I am not an echo of elsewhere,
I am not a puzzle for your curiosity.
I am from here.
My roots stretch deeper
than the doubt in your voice.
I do not need to travel backwards
to prove my belonging.
I am from today,
from seventy years of living,
from love, from family,
from Manchester
from home.
Why This Is a Problem
This question may feel harmless to the person asking, but it is harmful in its impact. It is a microaggression a form of everyday racism that communicates: “You don’t really belong here.”
I am far from alone in this.
- Riz Ahmed, the British actor and rapper, has spoken openly about being constantly asked “Where are you really from?” even after winning awards and representing Britain on the world stage. He called it “a reminder that no matter what you achieve, some people will never see you as fully British.”
- Lady Phyll (Phyll Opoku-Gyimah), co-founder of UK Black Pride, has shared how the question is used as a tool of exclusion. As she puts it, “It’s never just curiosity. It’s a way of telling you that you are not from here, that you do not belong here.”
- The Ngozi Fulani case at Buckingham Palace made global headlines in 2022 when she was repeatedly asked the same question: “Where are you really from?” despite introducing herself clearly as a British woman and charity leader. The world saw how quickly this “small question” revealed deep-rooted bias.
These stories show what I have lived all my life: it’s not an isolated experience, it’s systemic.
Ten Reasons Not to Ask “Where Are You Really From”
- It assumes non-belonging. You are implying someone is not truly part of the UK.
- It creates “us” and “them.” A line is drawn between “real” Britons and “others.”
- It ignores lived reality. Where I live and contribute matters more than where I was born.
- It is unevenly applied. White people are rarely asked, exposing racial bias.
- It forces disclosure. Not everyone wants to share their personal history with strangers.
- It reduces identity. People are more than their skin colour, birthplace, or ancestry.
- It carries a history. For many, it echoes colonial assumptions about who belongs.
- It undermines inclusion. Instead of connecting, it distances and alienates.
- It can be painful. For some, their family history involves trauma, displacement, or loss.
- It is unnecessary. There are many respectful ways to connect that don’t rely on stereotypes.
Key Messages
- “Where are you from?” is not a neutral question when it’s only directed at ethnically diverse people.
- This is a form of racism, treating some people less favourably because of race or ethnicity.
- Belonging is not determined by skin colour or birthplace, but by lived experience and community.
- Curiosity is not an excuse for bias. Questions must be asked with equity, not prejudice.
- True inclusion means letting people define themselves on their own terms.
A Better Way Forward
If you genuinely want to know about someone, try asking:
- “Tell me about yourself.”
- “What do you enjoy doing?”
- “What’s important to you?”
These open-ended questions allow people to share what they want you to know, not what stereotypes dictate you should hear.
Because belonging is not up for debate.
I am from here.
I am enough.
And I should not have to prove it to anyone.
Myth Busters
“I ask everyone that.” No, you don’t. White friends are rarely asked.
“It’s only a friendly question.” A question isn’t friendly if it excludes.
“I just want to know about culture.” Ask respectfully: “Would you like to share about your heritage?”
“I didn’t mean anything by it.” Intent doesn’t erase impact.
“People should be proud of where they’re from.” Pride doesn’t mean forced disclosure.
“It helps me understand people better.” Listening to lived experience builds understanding, not assumptions.
A Better Way Forward
Ask: “Tell me about yourself”
Ask: “What do you enjoy doing?”
Ask: “What’s important to you?”